Being recently married, I have thought a lot about what it means to "cleave" unto my husband. To "cleave" to him would mean to "adhere strongly" to our marriage, and to "become very strongly involved with or emotionally attached" to him. I want our marriage to the best best it can be, even when we have disagreements or miscommunications. Up to this point I have been able to feel close to my husband even when he's away for work, and I attribute that closeness to certain principles we have followed.
I found many discussions on the topic of "cleaving," so I will share the principles I found that I believe are some of the most important in creating a strong marriage. I will also share some of my personal insights and experiences in hopes that they might give a useful perspective.
In an Ensign article titled "The Blessings and Responsibilities of Womanhood," President Spencer W. Kimball commented on Genesis 2:24:
"The woman occupies the first place [for her husband]. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so dear to all of us. Even the children must take their proper but significant place.
"I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father. That is a serious mistake."
An article written by a BYU professor, James Harper, relates this Old Testament passage to our day:
"It is all too common in modern times for husbands and wives to place various people or activities--work, recreation, extended family, even Church service--above their marital bond. This is not necessarily a conscious decision. However, the covenant made by Adam and Eve to leave parents and be one teaches us that successful couples will be careful to place each other first. The greatest gift parents can give children is a united and loving marital bond."
I find it interesting that Bro. Harper includes parents in this topic. Although we cannot control how our parents handle our personal relationships, we can apply this principle to ourselves by giving our own children the freedom to prioritize their relationship with their husband or wife.
The article goes on to say, "Marriage is not just a social contract between man and woman; it involves God as well. God is a witness to all marriage agreements and insists that couples should be devoted and completely faithful to each other." I have always loved the image of a triangle, with the husband and wife on each bottom corner, and God at the top. As the man and woman individually come closer to God, they naturally come closer to each other.
A general conference report given by Spencer W. Kimball as one of the twelve apostles also illustrates the idea of placing the spouse over all else. He refers to D&C 42:22 which reads, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all they heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." He says, "There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts, and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. . . . When the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: 'Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shall cleave unto him and none else.' The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse. We sometimes find women who absorb and hover over the children at the expense of the husband, sometimes even estranging them from him. The Lord says to them: '. . . Thou shalt cleave unto him and none else.'
"Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives self totally to the spouse: all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection with all dignity. Any divergence is sin—any sharing the heart is transgression. As we should have "an eye single to the glory of God" (D&C 4:5; D&C 82:19) so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family."
Matthew Richardson, a leader in the LDS Church, wrote an article about "leaving, cleaving, and becoming one." He illustrates that "cleaving" means to save our treasured feelings for our spouse rather than sharing them with others.
To become one, "differences in communication patterns, reasoning, emotions, and even personal preferences may actually benefit a couple." I have seen this over and over again in my own marriage. Because I am often an emotional thinker, it is so helpful to have a husband who is more logical and can make decisions unemotionally. We both have very different interests--I love music, writing, and administrative work, and he loves guns, trucks, and manual labor. He is a great salesman and has a business-mindset, and I have neither of those skills. I tell him that I don't know how I ever lived without him because I lack all the skills and knowledge he has, and vice versa. We balance each other perfectly, but only when we accept our differences rather than fighting against them.
Another principle that Bro. Richardson teaches is to eliminate the "I" and "my" and replace those with "we" and "our." In our congregation, my husband and I used to teach Sunday School to 7 and 8-year-old children. After one of our lessons my husband asked me, "When you testify, will you use the word we instead of I? I think it is super important that the testimony comes from both of us, because that is so much more powerful, and it makes us more unified." I loved this idea and was grateful that he so respectfully recognized something we could improve. I have remembered this since and make efforts to use "we" language rather than "I" language.
Elder Carl B. Cook, another leader in the LDS Church, discussed ways we can cleave unto each other and unto God. He says that a husband and a wife who cleave unto each other are "the same" or equal. In the scriptures, we read about Adam and Eve and how they always worked together: "Adam began to till the earth . . . and Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him" (Moses 5:1).
Couples can work together by "[giving] highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities" (Handbook 2 Administering the Church 2010, 1.4.1). Bro. Cook says that "we must set aside, and turn away from things that distract us from our marriages and our families. We must simplify our lives, and give highest priority to basic worship activities in our homes. . . . We must spend time with those we love."
Bro. Cook says that "cleaving to each other requires faith, diligence, and persistence." I have known couples who have told me that sometimes they just "stop trying." "It's too much work," or "Sometime's it's just too tiring to do all those little things to keep our marriage strong." I have a firm testimony that by consistently doing the simple tasks that prophets have taught will keep our relationships strong, we will always feel close and connected and our love for each other will deepen. My goal is to avoid the alternative: simply not trying.
In James Harper's article referenced earlier in this post, Elder Marion G. Romney is cited as he discusses the phrase "and Eve ... did labor with [Adam]." He says, “The word with … is very significant. It means more than physical labor. It connotes a common purpose, understanding, cooperation, and love. . . .
"Even when circumstances justify a wife’s working away from home to support her family, she should be laboring ‘with,’ not on her own nor in conflict with her husband. . . .
"In Latter-day Saint families the husband and wife must be one." (Relief Society Magazine, Feb. 1968, pp. 85–86.)
The article concludes that "from what we know of the relationship between Adam and Eve . . . the executive council of husband and wife together is extremely important in the organization of families. Husbands and wives should counsel together in decisions related to communication and activities in the family, rearing and disciplining of children, food storage and other aspects of family welfare, finances, work and career decisions, family work responsibilities, housekeeping tasks, recreation, and all other decisions that affect their bond with each other."
Bro. Harper also addresses the importance of teaching children, and how a couple can do that in unity. "Ideally, as equals before God, deeply devoted and in love with each other, husband and wife [share] together one voice in the training of their children." Spiritual unity in a husband and wife companionship creates an environment for children to feel safe and at peace among the trials of the world.
In the Old Testament, families valued traditions and activities to maintain a strong family identity. Today, as we establish family traditions and participate in family activities, we can maintain strong ties within our immediate and extended families. As a husband and wife work to create a new family, they can work together to establish new traditions, maintain old ones, plan activities, and participate in other planned family activities. Keeping family time as a priority I believe helps to build a stronger connection between a husband and wife.
My husband and I both come from very large families. As a result, we are constantly being invited to birthday parties, dinners, baptisms, church events, holiday activities, and more. We have really strived to maintain balance in the amount of time we spend with each of our families. My husband is really good at knowing when enough is enough, and when we need to spend one-on-one time with each other. When we are able, we give time to each other's families in order to show our love and our commitment to family.
I love Bro. Harper's conclusion: ". . . Examples from the Old Testament help remind us of the importance of the family in Heavenly Father’s eternal plan. The experience of this earth’s first family teaches that marriage is not a social convention but is God-ordained as an eternal partnership. The example of religious and character development in ancient Hebrew families reminds modern parents of the necessity of training children in spiritual areas. The importance the Old Testament places on the extended family and its traditions guides us to seek modern family traditions that link the generations together. Such principles, taught in the Old Testament, can help families in our day forge loving, nurturing bonds to sustain them throughout eternity."
I know that working diligently to "cleave" unto a spouse is one of the most important things we can do in this life. Trials will come, we will make mistakes, we will be required to forgive, but ultimately it is up to us as a couple to work together in love and unity. If we do this, God guarantees that we will have a happy life. As Elder L. Whitney Clayton said, “The promises of the Lord . . . come as the delightful, predictable consequences of faithfully living the gospel of Jesus Christ” (L. Whitney Clayton, “Marriage: Watch and Learn,” Ensign, May 2013).
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