This is a question I have tried to understand for years and years. I have always held myself to a really high standard with my values, and it has been really difficult figuring out how to avoid being judgmental of others when they make choices I don't agree with. Since being married, I have learned a heck of a lot about how destructive it can be to assume things without knowing the whole story, or to negatively judge or criticize another's actions. Any of my judgmental comments have backfired, even if at the time they sounded "ok" in my head. My studies and application of this topic have really helped me to be more conscious of what I say and how I react to certain situations.
John Lund wrote an incredible book about relationships called For All Eternity. His advice is to go for 24 hours without making one critical comment. If you mess up, you have to start over. He said when he and his wife tried it for the first time, he would get so far, then he would get in the car and start criticizing other drivers without realizing it. He would have to start over. This is a big challenge for most, and something I've thought about trying with my own husband.
Matthew 7:1-5 tells us:
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
This concept is crucial. I can't count how many times I have, with the best intentions, "corrected" someone for something they did, without realizing I do the exact same thing!! It takes a lot of humility to look at ourselves first and accept the things we do wrong before criticizing everyone else around us.
I have associated with several people who expect their spouse to be perfect, and if the spouse doesn't meet the standard, the marriage doesn't last. It is really sad to me how many marriages fail today. I came across a beautiful passage of scriptures that is encouraging to any couple who may be struggling:
"And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy" (1 Corinthians 7:13-14).
What a beautiful thing. Rather than running away from a spouse who is unbelieving or who maybe does things differently than what we might agree with, we can work together to be sanctified as a couple.
When Paul wrote to the Corinthians, he wrote about how he was successful in sharing the gospel with some. In 1 Corinthians 9:20-23 he said,
"And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law;
To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law.
To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak; I am made all things to men, that I might by all means save some."
What an interesting concept. Paul put himself in the place of those he taught in order to understand them better so he could more effectively share the gospel. Christ did the same thing as He spent time with sinners. Other struggled to understand why the Son of God would associate with sinners, but He did it to give all men hope and faith in His ability to forgive and heal. He did not shun those who made wrong choices. He mingled with them and loved them. (See Matthew 9:10-13)
Moroni 6:1-4 illustrates the covenant we make when we are baptized to obey all of God's commandments. One requirement is that we have a broken heart and contrite spirits, that we are humble enough to recognize we are sinners and we must repent. Having this humility allows us to look inside our own hearts and not judge others because they "sin differently" than we do.
President Dieter F. Uchtorf, a member of the First Presidency of the LDS Church, spoke on the topic of judging others:
"When it comes to our own prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate. Though we cannot look into another’s heart, we assume that we know a bad motive or even a bad person when we see one. We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in contempt.
"The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Romans, said that those who pass judgment on others are 'inexcusable.' The moment we judge someone else, he explained, we condemn ourselves, for none is without sin.5 . . .
"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!
"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, 'Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.'
"We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed? . . .
"The more we allow the love of God to govern our minds and emotions—the more we allow our love for our Heavenly Father to swell within our hearts—the easier it is to love others with the pure love of Christ. As we open our hearts to the glowing dawn of the love of God, the darkness and cold of animosity and envy will eventually fade.
"As always, Christ is our exemplar. In His teachings as in His life, He showed us the way. He forgave the wicked, the vulgar, and those who sought to hurt and to do Him harm. . . .
"When our hearts are filled with the love of God, we become 'kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving [each other], even as God for Christ’s sake [forgave us].'11
"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other.
"My dear brothers and sisters, consider the following questions as a self-test:
Do you harbor a grudge against someone else?
Do you gossip, even when what you say may be true?
Do you exclude, push away, or punish others because of something they have done?
Do you secretly envy another?
Do you wish to cause harm to someone?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to apply the two-word sermon from earlier: stop it!
"In a world of accusations and unfriendliness, it is easy to gather and cast stones. But before we do so, let us remember the words of the One who is our Master and model: 'He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.'12
"Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment. We are not perfect. The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way. . . .
"Lay your burden at the Savior’s feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another. The merciful will obtain mercy."
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